May 13, 2010

Time to enjoy time for myself and to myself. Time to be at peace.  Time to be quiet. Time to reflect, to be mellow to sit still and listen to the wisdom within. Peace and contentment are to be found within. Time to trust myself, my judgement and my wisdom. I am at peace and all is well. I am secure and safe as I am. I am human and that is okay. I am enough. I will take time to be still and calm. Peace, joy, health and contentment can only be found within me. I am the source of all that is good in my life. Inside of me is where I will find peace and contentment.

“Happiness cannot be travelled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.”  Denis Whatley


The Open Heart

May 5, 2010

I am the figurehead on the ship. I am Diana. I lean out proud and fierce into the weather. I am battered by the gale, by the storm that rages all around. I have been drenched by the high seas that have carried away my tears. The north wind that chills me to the core and numbs my senses has touched me too. I too have experienced the blistering heat beating down on me making me giddy.  I too have witnessed the subtle caresses of the gentle breeze on a summer evening. I too have gazed into the heavens as night falls and the stars shine down. I have felt the melancholy of each passing season.

Now is the time to open the heart. I release you from the anchor that has held you close to my side. There is no wind to fill your sails.  I fill my cheeks and blow out with all my strength so that I might fill your sails. Your sails are filled with my love, my gratitude, my hope. These are my gifts to you. May you set your sails to take you on your own adventure.

Dark Night of the Soul

May 3, 2010

Loneliness and desolation surround me. I keep a candle burning. It will show me the way when I am ready to see it. I am overwhelmed by sadness and grief. My chest is an open wound. Time my love is the great healer. Why does it pass so slowly in times of despair? Why have I chosen this path? How much more anguish? How much more pain? Letting go is only for the strong.  Do I have the strength?  Will letting go free me?

I keep the candle burning, I know in my wounded heart that the sun will shine again, I will smile again. All will be well, I will be at peace. One day.

The Wilderness

May 1, 2010

“Like the deer that yearns for the running stream, so my soul is yearning for you, my God.”  Psalm 42

His soul cries out in anguish. Why have you abandoned us?  I thought you understood us? I asked for your help, for your love, for your constancy?  I need your wisdom to guide us to the right path. I’m scared. We cannot do this alone.

Through her tears her soul spoke up. I will always be with you my love. You will know the path to take if you trust in your true nature. Release yourself from your bonds and go with the wild man, he will take you on the road that few venture onto, it is the road less travelled. Take what you need to sustain yourself. I will be at your side. I will guard you. This journey is not for the faint hearted. Be strong, be brave, be the warrior I know  you to be. Take this journey for yourself. Who knows whether you will find your way back to my side? I carry you in my heart. Our souls are entwined. I love you. Take back your power my love.


April 30, 2010

She knew she was headed for the forest, she could see its strong, dark outline as she opened the front door.  He stood there in the doorway, blocking out the daylight, her knees began to buckle. She felt sick to her core.  She knew from his face what was coming. She loved this man with an extraordinary passion.  She had never loved like this before.  She also knew that she could not deny herself any more.  Her wild woman, the inner goddess was calling her now with a greater intensity.  It was time to move on, there was work to be done.

They spoke gently, with love and great understanding of each other, their souls in communion.  They loved yet not in the same way.   A  journey beckoned them both.  She was ready to continue hers.  It would take a brave, enlightened soul to begin the one he has to make.

They embraced as lovers do, with an intensity that goes beyond words.  Their bodies moulded into each others as one.  They breathed each other in deeply and spoke not a word. Tears streamed down her cheeks, he trembled and his eyes spoke of fear and helplessness.  The moment had arrived for their goodbye yet neither seemed ready or capable of speaking.  They walked silently to the front door.  “Does it have to be this  final?” he quietly asked.  She had no words left.  She shut the door as he walked out into his own wilderness.

She collapsed and allowed the wildness of her emotion release. She moaned like an animal in pain.  The wail came from deep within her, like a woman in the pangs of childbirth.  She was giving birth to herself, the pain was exquisite.  Her body shook violently and sobs racked her entire body.  She was paralysed in her grief.

“You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on”

Excerpt from Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

The child within

April 22, 2010

She stood at a distance watching the little girl.  The child sat on a swing.  It was an old wooden swing with weathered and knotted rope, it hung from the branch of an tall, old tree.  She sat on the swing in the dappled shade of the tree in the sand dunes with her back to the sea.  A childhood idyll.  The late afternoon sun warmed her back.  The little girl wore a beautiful, old fashioned cotton dress with big tea roses printed on it, she wore white ankle socks, her kicked off red sandals lay off at a distance.  Her hair was tied up in bunches, stiff with salt from having spent a day on the beach.  She was beautiful.

The woman gazed at the child for some time lost in her own thoughts.  The child kicked her legs in a carefree way,  one leg at a time so that she went from side to side twisting on the swing. Almost casually she looked up and caught sight of the woman.  She looked up self consciously at first and then gave the woman a beaming smile as if she knew her.  The woman slowly approached the girl her heart racing.  She knew this child from a very long time ago.  She had forgotten about her.  She felt tears pricking her eyes.   These were tears of recognition, of love, of forgiveness.  She felt she was coming home with each step she took towards the child.  She stopped just in front of the little girl, close enough to breathe in her scent, it was so familiar.  For a moment she felt overwhelmed with all the thoughts rushing through her head.  She had so much to say, to explain, to want to tell and ask this little child yet in a moment realised that words were irrelevant.  She had felt all she needed to feel.  She held the gaze of the child.  She gazed into her eyes and their eyes together told the story.

The girl without taking her eyes off the woman told her that all was well, she was happy, she was loved, that she would always be with her and always love her.  And then quick as a flash the little girl leapt off the swing, gathered up her sandals, ran off down towards the beach calling after the woman ” Can’t catch me………”

The ocean waves

April 22, 2010

The pain was great, it was overwhelming and suffocating.  She found it hard to breathe.  She fought the pain with every muscle in her body and slowly her body began to shut down.  Her shoulders ached, her back ached and her legs felt almost paralysed.  She could barely move, she was immobilised with grief.

She fell into a deep sleep and dreamed she was walking along a beach.  The waves crashed on the shore, the power of the ocean was immense.  It stimulated all her senses.   Despite the majesty of the waves she was afraid.  She wanted to approach the sea and see and feel the glory of the ocean yet the power it held over her scared her.  Each time a wave rolled in towards her she turned and ran up the beach like a small child afraid.  She exhausted herself approaching and then running from the waves. As the sound of the ocean intensified she heard another sound.  A gentle voice letting her know that she was safe.  The still, small voice within her reassured her.  The quiet voice told her to not to be afraid to approach the waves, to trust that she would be safe and to dive in.  She was to resist no longer.  Giving herself over to the waves would stop the pain and the fear.  She stood on the water’s edge, tears coursing down her cheeks, she felt her body relax and release all fear and tension as she dived into the wave.

“And the time came when the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk it took to blossom”.  Anais Nin

Walking through the dark forest

April 20, 2010

Breakdown often comes before breakthrough.  This is where I have found myself these past few days.

A woman faces a man.  She is hunched, sad, shrunken, half her size, it is cold and dark.  He has a heavy heart, he paces in a small circle, head bowed.  She takes a step back to observe this scene, she cries.  She takes another step back and watches what unfolds.  The woman grows in stature, empowers herself, smiles, the sun comes out as she hears the birds sing.  He looks up at her, he stands tall and immediately stops his pacing.  They both breathe a sigh of relief.

I stand in a clearing facing what feels like an immense, dark forest.  I feel the shadow from the forest envelop me.  I am cold.  I am afraid.  I feel the heavy weight of my tears.  I must take the first step towards the forest, head into the unknown.  I know I must walk through the forest to reach the sunny glade that I know lies beyond.  I am scared and my fear paralyses me.  I wait.  I have one more thing to do before I embark on this journey through the darkness of the forest. Tears rack my body, my body trembles.  I feel abandoned, so alone.  I feel weak and helpless on one hand, yet know that my decision to face the unknown that lies in and beyond the forest shows my individual strength.  I will not deny myself any longer, however painful and desperate I feel.

I will not be alone in my journey through the forest.  I have my trusted angels with me.  One carries a torch to light my way when I lose the track, when I lose my way and feel weak. I carry the heart shaped stone I found on the beach, it represents the love of my parents for me.  I carry the love of my children in my heart.  My angels walk at my side and behind me.  I will lead the way.  I am taking the road less travelled.

I can see the glade that is in full sun, it beckons me.  I trust it is there.  He is standing there in the glade, his arms outstretched, he smiles, his eyes draw me to him.  He is all sunshine.  I don’t need to know why he is there, for what reason.  All will be well.

The Woman and the Well

March 29, 2010

There was once a woman who had been walking alone through the desert for many years.  She was parched, she was dry, she was shrivelled up, desperate for water to quench her terrible thirst.  On several occasions she thought she had seen an oasis in the desert, an oasis that would save her from her terrible thirst. Each one however, had been  an illusion, a figment of her delirious imagination.  Instead of giving up, these illusions did have the effect of driving her onwards in her quest for the well that would finally quench her thirst and bring her back to life.  Despite her desperate thirst she knew deep within her being that one day she would find the source of her healing.

One day when she least expected it and seemingly out of nowhere a well appeared.  A majestic well, a stoic well, a silent well, a strong and powerful well.  She was completely overwhelmed to find this particular well and drank greedily from it.   She was desperate for the water from the well.  She immersed her whole being in the water.  The water tasted so sweet like nothing she had ever tasted before.  She became addicted and greedy for all the water from the well.  She wanted to drown herself in the water.  She wanted nothing more than to consume and be consumed by the water from this well.  For a while it sustained her. Yet she knew in her heart that she must find a way to be less desperate for the well.  She knew that she was strangling the very source of the well and although at first the well seemed happy to give so freely of its water as time passed the well tried to find ways to let the woman know that she needed to find a balance and that the water would always be there to sustain her and that she no longer needed to crave it so much.  She needed to give the well chance to replenish its water.  She panicked at first believing that she could not survive without the water from this well.

Finally one day she was able to listen to the wisdom of the well and she came to realise that she no longer needed to consume so greedily the water from the well.  She was satisfied and no longer parched and dry and shrivelled.  She had begun to blossom as a result of the generosity of the water from the well.  She had discovered that to allow the well to replenish its source of life she had to give it the opportunity to do so.  She felt now able to release her strangle hold on the well and knew that she could survive without the constant craving for the well.

She was blessed and filled with grace.  She had learned so much about herself because of the gifts she had learned from the well and felt able to move out into the world and no longer walked alone in the desert.

“For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow.” Antoine de Saint Exupery

Hello world!

March 24, 2010

This certainly is a first for me.  I never even dreamed of writing a blog, I never even dreamed of putting pen to paper. Yet so much has changed in my beliefs about myself and here we are blogging!