Archive for April, 2010

Heartbreak

April 30, 2010

She knew she was headed for the forest, she could see its strong, dark outline as she opened the front door.  He stood there in the doorway, blocking out the daylight, her knees began to buckle. She felt sick to her core.  She knew from his face what was coming. She loved this man with an extraordinary passion.  She had never loved like this before.  She also knew that she could not deny herself any more.  Her wild woman, the inner goddess was calling her now with a greater intensity.  It was time to move on, there was work to be done.

They spoke gently, with love and great understanding of each other, their souls in communion.  They loved yet not in the same way.   A  journey beckoned them both.  She was ready to continue hers.  It would take a brave, enlightened soul to begin the one he has to make.

They embraced as lovers do, with an intensity that goes beyond words.  Their bodies moulded into each others as one.  They breathed each other in deeply and spoke not a word. Tears streamed down her cheeks, he trembled and his eyes spoke of fear and helplessness.  The moment had arrived for their goodbye yet neither seemed ready or capable of speaking.  They walked silently to the front door.  “Does it have to be this  final?” he quietly asked.  She had no words left.  She shut the door as he walked out into his own wilderness.

She collapsed and allowed the wildness of her emotion release. She moaned like an animal in pain.  The wail came from deep within her, like a woman in the pangs of childbirth.  She was giving birth to herself, the pain was exquisite.  Her body shook violently and sobs racked her entire body.  She was paralysed in her grief.

“You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on”

Excerpt from Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

The child within

April 22, 2010

She stood at a distance watching the little girl.  The child sat on a swing.  It was an old wooden swing with weathered and knotted rope, it hung from the branch of an tall, old tree.  She sat on the swing in the dappled shade of the tree in the sand dunes with her back to the sea.  A childhood idyll.  The late afternoon sun warmed her back.  The little girl wore a beautiful, old fashioned cotton dress with big tea roses printed on it, she wore white ankle socks, her kicked off red sandals lay off at a distance.  Her hair was tied up in bunches, stiff with salt from having spent a day on the beach.  She was beautiful.

The woman gazed at the child for some time lost in her own thoughts.  The child kicked her legs in a carefree way,  one leg at a time so that she went from side to side twisting on the swing. Almost casually she looked up and caught sight of the woman.  She looked up self consciously at first and then gave the woman a beaming smile as if she knew her.  The woman slowly approached the girl her heart racing.  She knew this child from a very long time ago.  She had forgotten about her.  She felt tears pricking her eyes.   These were tears of recognition, of love, of forgiveness.  She felt she was coming home with each step she took towards the child.  She stopped just in front of the little girl, close enough to breathe in her scent, it was so familiar.  For a moment she felt overwhelmed with all the thoughts rushing through her head.  She had so much to say, to explain, to want to tell and ask this little child yet in a moment realised that words were irrelevant.  She had felt all she needed to feel.  She held the gaze of the child.  She gazed into her eyes and their eyes together told the story.

The girl without taking her eyes off the woman told her that all was well, she was happy, she was loved, that she would always be with her and always love her.  And then quick as a flash the little girl leapt off the swing, gathered up her sandals, ran off down towards the beach calling after the woman ” Can’t catch me………”

The ocean waves

April 22, 2010

The pain was great, it was overwhelming and suffocating.  She found it hard to breathe.  She fought the pain with every muscle in her body and slowly her body began to shut down.  Her shoulders ached, her back ached and her legs felt almost paralysed.  She could barely move, she was immobilised with grief.

She fell into a deep sleep and dreamed she was walking along a beach.  The waves crashed on the shore, the power of the ocean was immense.  It stimulated all her senses.   Despite the majesty of the waves she was afraid.  She wanted to approach the sea and see and feel the glory of the ocean yet the power it held over her scared her.  Each time a wave rolled in towards her she turned and ran up the beach like a small child afraid.  She exhausted herself approaching and then running from the waves. As the sound of the ocean intensified she heard another sound.  A gentle voice letting her know that she was safe.  The still, small voice within her reassured her.  The quiet voice told her to not to be afraid to approach the waves, to trust that she would be safe and to dive in.  She was to resist no longer.  Giving herself over to the waves would stop the pain and the fear.  She stood on the water’s edge, tears coursing down her cheeks, she felt her body relax and release all fear and tension as she dived into the wave.

“And the time came when the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk it took to blossom”.  Anais Nin

Walking through the dark forest

April 20, 2010

Breakdown often comes before breakthrough.  This is where I have found myself these past few days.

A woman faces a man.  She is hunched, sad, shrunken, half her size, it is cold and dark.  He has a heavy heart, he paces in a small circle, head bowed.  She takes a step back to observe this scene, she cries.  She takes another step back and watches what unfolds.  The woman grows in stature, empowers herself, smiles, the sun comes out as she hears the birds sing.  He looks up at her, he stands tall and immediately stops his pacing.  They both breathe a sigh of relief.

I stand in a clearing facing what feels like an immense, dark forest.  I feel the shadow from the forest envelop me.  I am cold.  I am afraid.  I feel the heavy weight of my tears.  I must take the first step towards the forest, head into the unknown.  I know I must walk through the forest to reach the sunny glade that I know lies beyond.  I am scared and my fear paralyses me.  I wait.  I have one more thing to do before I embark on this journey through the darkness of the forest. Tears rack my body, my body trembles.  I feel abandoned, so alone.  I feel weak and helpless on one hand, yet know that my decision to face the unknown that lies in and beyond the forest shows my individual strength.  I will not deny myself any longer, however painful and desperate I feel.

I will not be alone in my journey through the forest.  I have my trusted angels with me.  One carries a torch to light my way when I lose the track, when I lose my way and feel weak. I carry the heart shaped stone I found on the beach, it represents the love of my parents for me.  I carry the love of my children in my heart.  My angels walk at my side and behind me.  I will lead the way.  I am taking the road less travelled.

I can see the glade that is in full sun, it beckons me.  I trust it is there.  He is standing there in the glade, his arms outstretched, he smiles, his eyes draw me to him.  He is all sunshine.  I don’t need to know why he is there, for what reason.  All will be well.